A

Book

About

LIFE

WANTING

TO

LIVE

I, an artist,

I, a writer,

I, a voice,

have been bipolar since I was 17 and have struggled with this destructive illness even longer than that. When I was seven my father took me home from school early one day. He stood me in the hall of our house and told me something happened to mom. He reassured me that she would be okay, and held me tight in his arms so that I wouldn't be afraid. We went to visit my mom in the hospital, and I, barely a child, saw her lying in a coma with tubes up her nose. She had attempted suicide.

 

I did not understand this, and I immediately questioned life in a way, that can only be described as anger, sadness, and an enormous amount of fear. In those moments, I saw what a failed suicide attempt would cause. I saw the woman I looked up to, fighting with bipolar disorder, and fighting to stay alive.

 

For years I struggled to accept her illness, and I resented my mother for I unfortunately carried a stigma that, back then, I did not recognize.

 

In my last year of high-school pressure pushed me into a crippling depression. I had psychosis and even thought of killing myself. Like my mother, I am bipolar.

 

The breakdowns continued. Constant bouts of mania, depression and drug addictions took over. I was locked up repeatedly.

 

And so, I wrote. I wrote my thoughts. I didn't edit any of them, revealing my mind, inspiring even myself, and intending to do the same for others.

 

Read my words and see my constant creations.

 

Mental illness can be beautiful. I can prove it!

The Challenge

To Stay Alive

I Fight Stigma With Honesty.

 I am A Voice For The Mentally Ill.

I Want To Talk To The Mentally Well.

The meaning of life is to find meaning in it.

Do what makes you want to be ALIVE !

 

                                                                  Blake R. Horsley

IT WAS ALL A

DREAM

...

IT'S EASY to walk onto a wrestling mat.

 

It's easy to shake your opponent's hand. It's easy to run out of breath. It's easy to roll over and let your opponent pin you. It's easy to loose and to hate yourself for not trying as hard as you could have. I did that once in a match, and to this day I think not of loosing, but not of trying. I almost gave up in life as well. I almost shook my own hand and then lied down. I almost pinned myself. I almost made the choice to not fight for air, to not breathe, to not live anymore, and to not face adversity. I almost ran off the mat leaving my opponent, my reflection, cold and alone. I've wrestled myself since I was diagnosed with bipolar-one disorder when I was 17. It has been the hardest wrestling match I've ever been faced with. It is one that will last my lifetime, a time I almost consciously cut short repeatedly. It has been a match I have almost allowed to win. My biggest regret in life is giving up a wrestling match in high school. My proudest accomplishment is not giving up on me. If life wants to wrestle me, I'm going to stay on top and I don't care if I win or loose, I am never going to give up. I don't wrestle much anymore, but I'm in the biggest match of my life right now, and I'm happy and proud to say I am not getting pinned.

BRING IT ON  BIPOLAR,   I ' M  A  F U C K I N     W R E S T L ER !

;

I believe everyone should feel confident enough to be open about their own mental illness if they suffer from such. There is no reason to carry shame and there is no reason to fear stigma, ignorance and prejudice. I've come to realize honesty silences stigma. And so, I live by the words of Mahatma Gandhi and live honestly with an illness that I once hid from even people as close as my friends. I fight stigma, by having a conversation. And I'm right in this one! Be right too! Silence stigma by being honest, and by stating what is right and what is true. Your voice is louder than you think! And stigma is nothing more than a silent debate, in a conversation where prejudice is crazy and surviving a lifelong battle is nothing short of courageous and inspiring. I hate being called crazy, because I am not. I love being called inspiring because that's all I've ever wanted to be. And mental illness or not, right now I love myself and I am proud of simply me. When you look into you, be proud too. When you really look into you, you will love what you see. When you do, let others see it too!

 

The sky's the limit, until the end of time.

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