This is my first book about my struggle with bipolar disorder. A MIND UNEDITED, my second book, is COMING SOON.
When the seat in which I sit, the size of the earth in which I explore, becomes so beautiful that my mind can no longer accept it to be real, my reality becomes controlled by the very imagination that tries so hard to understand it.
I force myself to journey away from the very heaven I have found and I am left alone with myself and the ripple in the water in which my reflection lies. As I look into his being I find only ugliness as my mind cannot escape the eyes staring back. Fighting to choose whether to breathe, to live, and to keep my candle a flame as the world I share with my reflection smothers and blinds me from the universe in which I now feel abandoned, I have no choice but to decide.
Do I leave the knife where it lies, or take it, so that I can esape the heaven I no longer can find? The universe, through all this, I fear, more than anything. My life, through all this, I hate even more.
This book is a conversation I had with myself.
June 28, 2014
The universe begins and ends inside of you. When you are born the universe is only as big as the room in which your eyes are first open. As your years pass, the universe can reach as infinite as your mind will allow, and that can be terrifying, for now, more than ever, you realize how finite you actually are. If you wish not to live anymore, you have the ability to destroy all that you have ever seen and all that you have ever come to know. You have the ability to make the infinite disappear, into nothing, not even thin air. For when your eyes are shut, the light to understanding the universe is as well. You have created yourself, just as the universe has created itself, and you have come to understand both, in the beauty and darkness revealed day and night. To be good, to do what is right, is to never destroy what you create. Alone or with God, in heaven or in your own home, you write the story of your existence. You walk in heaven, on earth, or in hell, in a manner and direction of your own choosing, if you are free enough to do so. If your candle fades, stay awake long enough and the wind will give it all the more reason to burn even stronger. Presence, only, is true, if your light shines for you to see it. Behind closed curtains, inside your mind alone, or on a seat the size of the earth with your eyes wide open. Here, warmed by the sun, blanketed by the sky, watched by the moon, and touched by the stars, you are alive and presently you have so much potential to find peace. Even if we are only here a fraction of time, a piece on a never-ending, never beginning clock, or go somewhere eternal after our cherry blossoms fade, we can live happy and strong now, in a heaven we call home today. Everyone’s mind has the potential to find his or her own version of peace, and it is my belief that this peace is our very life’s purpose. Happiness feels like heaven, and its memory is a reason for hope when life makes it hard to breathe, and days seem impossible to face.